[BLOG ENTRY – Hackney Participant]

Hackney Participant Tee wrote this entry as part of her performance:

MY BEAUT – THE FINAL GOODBYE …

I have a saying, ‘You never quite know until it happens to you’ …

I, for some reason never imagined my Beaut wouldn’t come out of ‘her’ coma, I say ‘her’ coma because the Nurse told me ‘her body is resting’ and gosh did she need a rest !

Despite 4 long years of continuous fighting, my strong determined Mother wasn’t ready to let go and I most definitely wasn’t ready to let her go.

‘Come here darlin’ she whispered, ‘you must help me pick my outfit’,  were some of her final words she gently spoke prior to slipping into the rest she needed for the next 3 days, which were to be her last …

I knew what she was preparing and although my gut instinct was to break down, I hugged her frail body gently and then listened to her quiet requests.  For the first time ever she needed my help so I had to ‘fix up’ and do the necessary.
Perhaps it was anger of knowing the inevitable that gave me the strength – when in fact I wanted to die with her, but she had been through enough so seeing her only child broken wasn’t fair on her.

My Beaut was my Best Friend, the Sister I never had, my confidant, MY MOTHER.

My Beauty was fair with green eyes and freckles, unusual for a native Italian, no requirement for war paint, a pure and radiant natural beauty.

How the hell was I to cope without her and with my baby in my arms, I was juggling so much – I lived on autopilot.

That bloody machine was bleeping on each automatic administer of Morphine – it drove me nuts!  – all that Morphine and she was ‘only resting’ !!!

It was awful having watched my Beauty deteriorate, no longer able to breathe without the use of artificial oxygen, no longer able to walk with those cute size 4 feet.

That BASTARD DISEASE isn’t prejudice, it picks it’s victims at random, makes you live in hope, then whips your last breathe from beneath you no matter how much you plead you’re not ready to go.  It grabs onto your core and erodes each precious part of one’s body in ‘its’ own time … IT’S VICIOUS PERSONIFIED !

And so the time had come, yet I didn’t know, it came without warning and has left my existence never to be the same,

“What time is it Mandy?”  I asked
‘7 minutes past 11′(pm) darling, try to get some sleep’
Only 3 minutes later, at 10 past 11, the Angels gently took my Beaut, to a place of peace, and free from pain.

A vision, a moment I will never be able to erase, that gut wrenching, quite undescribable sick feeling I shall never forget and that fucking Morphine machine still bleeping

“She’s at peace now” said the Nurse
‘then stop that blasted machine from making that noise, her body no longer needs Morphine !!!’  I exclaimed

I stood over my Beaut as her heart no longer enabled her chest to slightly lift and lower whilst breathing
(imitate heart beating with right hand)

DEATH IS FINAL.  It leaves those still breathing in a state of complete alteration, often traumatised enough that life will never be the same again.

REST IN PEACE ‘MY BEAUT’  X.

Written from my Heart
by Tee Falcone
Oct 2015 (how ironic, my Birth month)

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